What is it that you truly desire?

I have been watching Lucifer on Netflix. A while ago, in fact, and I started again recently.

It reminded me how much I recognize my ideas, questions and - sometimes - answers in the main character. I guess that can't be good, right?

Anyway, with Lucifer on my mind, I keep thinking of his eternal question "So... tell me, what is it that you truly  desire?"

The answer that popped into my mind was: I want someone to see me, get me and love me. I started asking myself if this is a way to get someone else to 'validate' me, to agree, to approve, to make me feel worthy... (because I have been re-reading a book by Dr Schnarch who talks about this and about the way we should self-validate instead of looking for others to validate you).

But I think not. I don't wish to be validated, to feel approval and encouragement for who and what I am. I sometimes just don't know who and what I am, but that's another story.

However I do wonder, am I Schrodinger's cat? If no one sees me, do I actually exist? And how would this translate to the other parts of what I wish for? If no one gets me - is there anything there to be understood? If no one loves me, is there anything there to be loved?

You're eating what?!

I've been Vegan for the last 5 months. Yeah, including Christmas and NY. And I don't see it changing during Easter either :-)

I have seen so many interesting reactions in my friends, colleagues, relatives (and I will get more in a few days when going to visit the family). The most common ones are two, actually: one is the unanimous conviction that I will get sick because I won't eat enough proteins and the second that it is so tough to give up meat and dairy - how do I do that?!!

I think I need to write the answer to the second one, as it's not about a book full of recipes. It's actually pretty simple: priorities. I ask myself every single day 'what is more important to me' - in various aspects of my life. And concerning food, the answer has been - at least in the past 5 months: staying alive and healthy for as long as I can.

I am terrorised by the perspective of getting ill and dying in a horrible manner. Horrible means that I can't take care of myself, that I would be in bed for months or years, that I will be a pain in the a@$ for my family and whatever friends might stick around if that happens.

Looking at my family, the genes suck. Big time. In the past years one aunt died of cancer, one due to a stroke, my grandmothers died of cancer (but the grandmothers were quite old, so at least they got to live their life more than my aunts). The remaining ones have depression, Parkinson, diabetes, high blood pressure and I don't even want to know what else. That really sucks. For them, first. As I had the inspiration to get out of the country and I am not available to take care of them. Then for me, because I saw (or heard) what it means to suffer for months - or years - in bed, where relatives had to feed you, change your diapers and basically get sick of you before you died. It's rough, I know, but it is also the way I see it. I loved those people dearly and it hurts to remember them and what they went through. This is also why I gave up on any hope or dream that God could exist. This is so crappy and these people were so nice there is no way in Hell (!) they deserved to go like that. Anyway...

Worse, I have friends or colleagues who die at impossible ages (younger than me) of cancer and the likes, leaving small children or spouses to manage as they can.

I hate it. And I am scared shitless. That I could be next. That I could leave my kids to grow up without me. That I could torture my husband for ... no idea how long before dying. That I could depend on others and I would hate my last days or months on Earth with a vengeance.

Not eating meat and dairy?? Beats it every.fucking.minute. Do I have any guarantee this is a solution? None whatsoever. Can I control my genes or my environment? No way. I control what I eat. Period.

But then again, I have been known to have a somehow unusual logic. Sue me.

Christmas, anyone?

Random things that (I might have been responsible for) happened today:

1. My dog (yes, got one of those now as well, and it deserves and it will get its own post) woke us up twice barking at the door. I am not sure what time it was the first time, it was 4:25 the second time - and this time it was because the cats were fighting outside. 
2. I remembered I forgot to twist the tree's top branch so that the thingy on top would be at a weird angle and would make Santa laugh like crazy (my youngest had that idea). He forgot as well so I escaped being the worst mother ever by promising him to take care of it and then not doing it.
3. My oldest left a note yesterday for Santa to sign, cause he knows our signatures and he can therefore check if one of us is Santa. I signed with "Ho, ho, ho. Santa" and he was deliriously happy that Santa exists, as it was definitely not one of our signatures.
4. I woke up and went quickly to brush my teeth before my kids would wake up and check the gifts. After the dog & cats concert during the night, my right foot ended up in my cat's water bowl, splashing the bathroom, my pj's and my slippers.
5. I tried to brush my teeth while dressing. Especially changing my pj's and slippers, as you can imagine. I ended up sneezing with my toothbrush in my mouth (tightly closed,hah!), and half naked. Pretty weird.
6. I had no coffee before 10:30 a.m. as I had to put together a Hot Wheels garage, then play baby foot and whatever.
7. The above was extremely obvious when I poured cat's (initially) solid food in its water bowl - yes, a freshly filled one due to no. 4 above. This turned up to look like breakfast cereals for cats -  my cat did not appreciate. She's not into Cheerios with water, I guess. She just looked at me like 'are you sh$%@# me??'.
8. I was so happy to finally have time to make - and drink - coffee, that I also made tea and got some fruit juice at the same time. I think I drank from 3-4 glasses and cups all day long, just because I could. And yes, one of them was a wine glass.

Nope, I kid you not. Just another day...  Merry Christmas to you all!

Today I am a frog

Do you know the Elephant and Piggie books? If you don't, you should!
The two characters - you guessed it: an elephant and a pig - are quite opposite of each other. The pig is carefree, funny and impulsive, the elephant is everything but.

And in my favorite (so far) book, the pig decides to be a frog. The elephant is shocked. The pig explains it's just pretend. The elephant doesn't even know what that is. And the dialogue goes something like this (not exact quotes, as I don't have the book near me):
Piggie: "Pretend is acting like something you are not"
Elephant: "And you can just do that?!"
P: "Yes, everyone does"
E: "Even adults??"
P: "All the time!"



 I can not agree more.

I come in layers. You remember Shrek? Yeah, I know I only have references from kids books and cartoons, but I am not worried. So give me a break.
Coming back to Shrek, I am an onion. I keep thinking there are so many layers of pretending that I don't even know if there's anything left under them. I feel like I am pretending to be an adult, pretending to be confident, pretending to know what I am doing, pretending to be calm, pretending to manage everything and anything that comes my way...
So today I might be a frog. Or an onion. I just wonder what's under it, if anything at all.

Note: if anyone wonders, in the end Elephant decides to be a cow and Piggie is extremely proud of him.

The voice

A few weeks (or is it months already??) I had a conversation with my boys to explain the concept of a voice inside our heads that could tell us mean and untruthful things.

I don't remember what examples I gave them, but it might have been something like "my mean voice tells me I am not nice, not a good mother for you, etc.". They listened and I am not sure what they understood. The idea was to let them know that it is normal to 'hear' something like that in their heads, but to know the voice tells lies and it is there just to make us feel bad.

Then yesterday evening, out of the blue, one of them asks "what is the voice saying?"... It took me a while to understand what he was talking about. So I thought about the voice and what her nasty messages have been in the past days. And I told them that she was saying I am not useful, I am not fun to be with, and so on. These were my feelings from past week-end, basically, when I was quite depressed that I can't seem to enjoy and engage with my kids without fights and desperation on both sides.

And when they heard that, each of them in turn told me to come closer, cause they wanted to tell me a secret. And each screamed in my ear "hey, the voice, go away and leave mom alone! you're just saying stupid things".

That was just - Perfect. I love you, little guys, and I would be so much less without you.