The voice

A few weeks (or is it months already??) I had a conversation with my boys to explain the concept of a voice inside our heads that could tell us mean and untruthful things.

I don't remember what examples I gave them, but it might have been something like "my mean voice tells me I am not nice, not a good mother for you, etc.". They listened and I am not sure what they understood. The idea was to let them know that it is normal to 'hear' something like that in their heads, but to know the voice tells lies and it is there just to make us feel bad.

Then yesterday evening, out of the blue, one of them asks "what is the voice saying?"... It took me a while to understand what he was talking about. So I thought about the voice and what her nasty messages have been in the past days. And I told them that she was saying I am not useful, I am not fun to be with, and so on. These were my feelings from past week-end, basically, when I was quite depressed that I can't seem to enjoy and engage with my kids without fights and desperation on both sides.

And when they heard that, each of them in turn told me to come closer, cause they wanted to tell me a secret. And each screamed in my ear "hey, the voice, go away and leave mom alone! you're just saying stupid things".

That was just - Perfect. I love you, little guys, and I would be so much less without you.

There is still hope...

We've been watching - with the kids, especially the 6-almost 7- years old one, The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. So now it's daily that I hear "the age of Men is over, the age of Orcs is beginning" or something similar. But another phrase in Lord of the Rings that I prefer is: "there is still hope".

Really not related to LOTR, I was remembering yesterday something that made me think there is still hope.

Some context around it, first. I love my kids and think they are the best. All the other kids are weird - or not as great, of course.
I especially have a hard time accepting that kids can be mean for no apparent reason. And I don't know a cure, so I have no suggestion, I am just complaining in a totally non constructive way.
I don't like others' kids when they whine, cry, shout and are being mean just for the fun of it. Mine can do those things, but they are mine, you know what I mean?
So this means that I especially don't get teenagers - boys and girls, but for different reasons. Anyway... It happens that I see teenagers and pray that my boys will never be LIKE THIS :-) That they won't wear weird clothes, behave as if no one else existed, be loud and inconsiderate... yup, I am an old bitchy lady, apparently.

Now back to hope. One of the afternoons I spent with my kids I brought them to a fast food with a play area. I let them play, argued with them it's time to leave after two hours, etc. Once in the car, about half way home, I realize that the favorite stuffed animal of my youngest one is missing. He lost it in the play area, of course. So after bitching about it, I make a U-turn where I am not supposed to and go back to the fast food restaurant. The so-called stuffed animal is not really stuffed, and it is in a very bad shape, because it has been very loved by my son. So it's an ugly and smelly thing, I was pretty sure no one would take it.

Once we arrived at the fast food, we went straight up to the play area, and we explained the situation to the staff and to the kids there. One of the staff actually went through all the slides, balls pools and games to look for it.
What gave me THE hope I keep mentioning since the beginning is that all the kids did the same, shouting "Diiiidiiiiiii" (the name of the beast is Didi), as if the monster could answer. It became a treasure hunt adventure and all joined in. This made me forget the annoyance of doing the U-turn, losing time and my post-fries crankiness.

Everybody was trying to help my kid retrieve something important to him. There was no question asked, it just seemed obvious this is what they needed to do.

There is still hope.

(Almost) perfect moments

I am usually the one putting the beasts kids to sleep. I used to think (and still do, on a regular basis) that those moms who say how wonderful it is to put kids to bed and give hugs and kisses and so on are full of it. For me it's more like this book my friend introduced me to.

Anyway... So I have this "quality" time with my kids which is mostly filled with 'stay in your bed', 'no need to drink milk for the 10th time in the past 5 minutes', 'shut up and let your brother sleep' - in all degrees of voices, from whispers to shouts and back again.

But I admit that it also happens that we have interesting conversations, some become my favorite moments. Or my almost perfect moments.


                       ************
(still) 5 years old: You know, mommy, before I die...
Me (thinking): huh?
(still) 5 years old: ... there is only one face I would like to see...
Me (thinking): hmm, that's so cute...
(still) 5 years old: ... my girlfriend's.
Me: What?!!

                       *************

(still) 5 years old: Mommy, I have a secret to tell you. You should not say anything to daddy.
Me: Ok...
(still) 5 years old: In fact, I prefer you over daddy.
Me: hmm... are you sure? Daddy tells nice stories and plays with you more than I do.
(still) 5 years old: Yes, but I really like you better.
Me: Ok then, that's unexpected...
(still) 5 years old: It's because I did the "eeny, meeny, miny, moe"* and you won.


*Equivalent in French is "la plouf" (for my friend who has no clue of what it is, but has great taste in books) and in Romanian it's "ala-bala-portocala"...

Jokes

• What does a tomato say when crossing the road?
• "Ketchup!"

•  What does a 5 years old kid tell his mom after she tells this joke?
• "That was so lame "

I had to agree with him.

Five years old wisdom: love and kids

My son has a girlfriend. Here is a sentence I hoped I would not write (or think about) for the next 10 years or so. Because he is five and a half. And because he is practically going steady, as they have been friends for more than 2 years now.

They are planning on living in a house in the trees. He recently told me that they want to have only one child, as it is too difficult to deal with two. I wonder how he figured that one out :-D

Then things got weird.

*Disclaimer: the opinions that follow are in no way my own - especially since I suspect the girl's parents might be reading this*

He said that the child will be a boy, but should not be like his little brother - hey, I get you, dude, your brother is at times a major pain in the a#@ - and so are you, but who's judging?
Anyway, back to the weird part: he proceeded to tell me that he wants a boy because boys are more intelligent than girls. To my utter disbelieve accurately described by a "huh!?" he explains that girls believe in princesses. So I am still in my WTF moment and say "but princesses do exist, unlike Transformers and dinosaurs'. That might have been my mistake as he ended the argument with "but dinosaurs existed and Transformers might exist, what do you know?" and moved to another topic.

I conclude that:

1. I am stupid because I read romantic novels and some might mention princes and princesses; 
2. I am an inept mother who convinced her kid that two children are too difficult to manage; and 
3. I failed miserably to prove to a five year old that girls'/women's IQ is not below men's. 

Despite all this, my son has a girlfriend and he tells me he loves me, even if we are both - me and the girlfriend - inferior human (!) beings, so I still believe that all is ok in the world. Just one more proof that love is blind and hopeless.

Conversations with a 5 years old (aka Innovation, as good as it gets)

Him: I want to invent a machine that works when the electricity fails.
Me: hmm... what would it look like? (thinking: oh boy, the innovation gene strikes again)
Him: like a box with a green button... and a red one...
Me: ok... (thinking: I can zone out now, should be safe enough, just keep agreeing with him)
Him: ... .... (blah blah I don't listen to...)... and then there will be a white button
Me: ah really, a white one?
Him: yes, right next to the yellow one!
Me: oh. Right. (thinking: wtf? there was a yellow one I missed somewhere?)
and this goes on and on...
... and I zone out again...
Him: and then the problem is to put a sign saying we have a box that saves you when there is no electricity.
Me: Riiight. (thinking: so now I'm selling boxes to save people from lack of electricity. And I need a marketing plan)
Him: Yup, we'll just put a sign to say this. But then I think the bubble is a better one.
Me: What? What bubble?
Him: the motorcycle bubble!
Me (remembering THAT conversation): Oh yes, so it won't rain on you.
Him: yes, it's a better invention, don't you think?
Me: I totally agree. (thinking: Note to self: throw away every other sock from his wardrobe so that he can match the mad scientist image - my sister in law figured him right)

And this is why I am the luckiest person alive. And a bit insane.

Yesterday evening we were having dinner (if we can call it that): we were splitting a pizza in four very much unequal parts – the biggest one for the smallest member of our family, of course.

So we were sitting there, each munching on his bits of pizza, except my oldest (5 years old now). He had just opened his chosen birthday gift with three weird monsters and he was, of course, playing with them. Every 10 seconds either me or my husband were reminding him to eat – which he still didn’t. At some point I gave up and I told my husband to let him be, that he’ll eat, eventually, on his own. He proposed a bet on how many bits he will eat if we say absolutely nothing to him – he said 0, I said 4.

And we waited… he played. We talked to the little one, we ate, we waited… he played. And he ate absolutely nothing.

One monster fell off the table, so my son quit his chair to pick it up and continued standing up, playing with the monsters next to his plate.

We waited… He moved his fork out of the way to have more room to play with it.

My husband laughed and said I should just give up and admit defeat.

He played…

And then he sat, took his fork and looked me straight in the eyes saying “Mom, it’s time to roll the dice ...”.  ‘Cause ocasionnally I behave like a dice (what's wrong with that?!) and “randomly” select a number of bites he has to eat before he can leave the table.

And that’s when my husband declared I am the luckiest person in the world and I almost fell off the chair laughing. As a good player, of course I told my son a totally random number: 4!!!

On a totally unrelated note, I am considering doing this: Insanity. My husband said the name fits me perfectly.

Kids and cleaning standards

I had an interesting conversation today with my colleagues at work, during a coffee break in which we were sharing some (very good) cookies. I was looking at the bag of cookies and I suddenly realized how low my cleaning standards have gotten since I got kids. Don't worry, you might end up understanding the connection between the two by the end of this post.

So the conversation was something like:

Me: You know, my youngest (he's two years old) loooves chocolate. At a point where "cola" (short for 'chocolat' in French) is his first word when he wakes up. So because we don't care about cavities and all that healthy eating @$%!, we give him chocolate candies (the round variety, individually wrapped). He's very independent and wants to unwrap them himself. Which means the chocolate stuff ends up quite often on the floor... and keeps on rolling.
Colleagues: hmmm...
Me: Well, I figured I just let him pick it up and eat it.
Colleagues: *surprised gasps...*
Me: Even more, I challenge him to find it before the cat does :-D
Colleagues: So he develops his resistance to germs.
Me: Indeed, and he learns about survival, fighting off the cat for food. And the cat is a fast learner, it sits under his chair when we're at the table. It figured out pretty fast who's the weak link...
Colleagues: So the cat is useful, keeping a clean floor. *mocking a colleague who just got rid of his cat recently*
Me: Yes, exactly! I am even considering getting a dog...Dogs have really big tongues.
One colleague (picking up on my idea): So the cat is the vacuum cleaner and the dog would be the swiper.
Me: Yup, perfect, isn't it? So... who wants to come over for dinner at my place? :-)
Colleagues: *unsettling silence*

That's where my cleaning standards are at this point. And other standards have changed (for the worse) as well, but it's a different story for some other time. Or most probably never. It might be safer.

The Moon! The banana!

You know those first months in your baby's life when you're constantly thinking "when will he/she start talking, so that we can understand each other better?"? If you do, most probably you know the next thought - that comes up several months later - "where is the stupid "stop" button"? or "will he/she every shut up?"

My little one is now in the second phase. He never stops. And most of the time I find it funny. Sometimes I just block him out, otherwise I'd get crazy(er than I already am). Other times I am actively looking for a tape I could use to shut his mouth. Like when I'm reading a story to his brother and he comes with another book, puts it on top of what we are reading or just talks louder and louder about his book, asking me to confirm what he's "reading".

Recently he's been starting playing games with us, saying something contrary just to have fun. It is blue, he says it's yellow. It's cold, he says it's hot. And so on.

We have a board game which contains a banana. Too complicated to explain why... and irrelevant as well. So it's like a ... banana. Yellow. And has the form of a banana. Made of wood. You're still following this? Well, never mind...
He says it's the Moon. And he's not wrong. It kind of also looks like the Moon. So when he wants to start the 'let's contradict each other' game, he starts with "the Moon" or "the banana". And I, my husband, or the older brother who quickly learned how to join the party, have to say the other one. And it goes on and on.
Several days ago, I was in the car with him. And he started: "the Moon". Me: "the banana". Him: "the Moon". Me: "the banana". Him: "the banana". Me (not paying attention): "the banana". Him: "no! Mommy: the Moon!". Me: *shocked silence!* "fine, the Moon"... and all was well with the world again.

I still wonder when he'll stop talking all the time. But I laugh out loud at least once every day, just listening to him.
Yesterday he fell asleep arguing with himself whether it's the Moon or the banana. Not sure who won.

Tourne? Croco?

What do desperate parents do with kids to get them off their backs for five minutes? They show them how to watch TV.

As I am as anti-TV as they come, both my kids started with something which might actually be worse: youtube.

What we let them watch on youtube are nursery rhymes. French ones, of course. My older one started with these, and has some favorites. He has since moved – very quickly – towards cartoons, managing to know by now (he’s not yet 5) everything about Transformers, Turtles Ninja and now, Pokemon. How I hate those bastards. Tears that are pictured as either rivers streaming down the cheeks or water “flowing” horizontally just bothers my brain. Kids with no visible eyes or at least one sexy Pokemon nurse per episode are even more disturbing to me. What can I say, I'm a freak.

But this post is about my youngest one. He started watching the damn nursery rhymes a couple of months ago. And he loves them. He’s got some favorites as well, especially the ones he started with: “Tourne, tourne petit moulin” and “Les crocodiles”. In the meantime he discovered some more. One he likes a lot is about a farm where there are pigs, ducks, sheep, rabbits, cows, and so on. And for each of them there’s a chorus with the corresponding sounds.

So now every time he passes by the PC (or even the TV, as we can watch youtube there as well thanks to some amazing technology!), he looks at me or his father and goes: “Tourne? Croco?”. And if we say no, he continues with: “Pig? Duck? Sheep?”… and so on until listing the entire farm. And yeah, he's not yet 2 years old, but he can perfectly pronounce "Pikachu".

So what choice do we have, other than laugh and go along with it?

I'm a mom. What's your super power?

I first read this on the internet...and laughed. And then this night, around 1 a.m., sitting awake in bed it hit me: I actually have super powers. Let me tell you some of them:

• I can function normally (to read: not shouting/beating/killing anyone looking suspiciously like an idiot that crosses my road that day) with less than 4 hours of sleep per night, for several nights in a row. It never happened to me when I was in the no-kids world. A night with less than 9 hours of sleep back then would have made me grumpy for a week or so.
• I can change a diaper on a standing-up/walking/running baby. I figured it takes less time than catching the baby and holding him prisoner on a changing mat while he is screaming from the top of his lungs.
• I can give the bottle to two kids at the same time, while watching TV and talking to my husband. Ok, the last part is not always true, the TV can be quite catching...
• I mastered the art of make-up (aka: I can put on make-up in under 2 minutes). And I do it every working day, otherwise people see me for what I am and tell me to go get some sleep.
• I can follow a 30 minutes monologue about Autobots and Decepticons and (usually) not feel the need to kill 'em all. If you don't know what those are, you can read about them here, you ignorant people.
• I happily join in the fun of the above mentioned monologue and another ma-ma-aa-pa-brrum-brruum-pa-pa one, adding to the mess my own weird sounds - all this happening in the car, on our way back from work/school/day-care. Actually I am doing this only to see smoke going out of my husband's years and his face transforming into an angry dinosaurs' one...

there are probably more, but I managed to fall asleep at some point and forgot the rest of my thoughts.
So, what's your super power?

4 year old wisdom

• Water is a hologram. Because we can pass through it (yes, just like that...)

• For my personal safety, I have to wear these socks (he had mosquito bites on his foot)

• It's really a bad word to say "Enough!". (2 am in the morning, me refusing to go get him another glass of water)

• You know, speed is not the only thing in life. There's also walking, strolling... (to my aunt who was driving - not very fast - on a bumpy road)

• You know, mom, I love you more than "one says". (I often wonder how to take this... I wonder who says what in his little head)