Do you ever wonder why we're here? I mean what's our mission in
this life time?
I know in one of my previous ramblings I
wrote things that might make you believe I don’t believe in God. It’s false. I
believe in … something. I believe there is meaning somehow, we are meant to do …
stuff, and especially to learn something. Not just anything (even if that
sounds good as well), but really learn something in particular.
So back to my first question, probably hopefully better put
this time: do you ever wonder what you’re meant to learn in this life (not even
assuming you might believe there are more lives for one soul or whatever)?
I constantly do. And never quite grasp the answer(s). One that
comes regularly to mind is: accept that there are humans who cannot control their
minds/brains.
I
started to wonder if this is one of my main lessons in life when my mother had
(what would be her first) episode of depression. The doctors called it
depression. No idea what it is exactly, I just know she acted strangely, seeing
people/hearing stuff, not making sense and generally being afraid. Not such a
surprise all in all, as she was – even her normal self – very afraid of
everything and everybody. She was maniacally correct & honest and was
always scared that other people were not and they will try to take advantage of
her (or put her in a position to ‘pay’ for their mistakes). As she was head
accountant in important companies, this part might have been true every now and
then J Anyway…
So
she acted strange, she spent some time in a hospital, with medication and then slowly
got back to almost normal. Then she started working again and some months (or
years?) later, boom! same thing all over again. Hospital, meds, conclusion:
early retirement. Work is too stressful for her and she never really got back
to herself after that anyway.
Lately
she’s been worse. A lot of things happened in her life these last years that
could account for her condition to worsen (and I plan to write about those at
some point, because they also affected me, the egotistical bitch writing this).
The status is that somehow she is not making a lot of sense lately. And I could
kind of ignore that as she lived 2500 km away from me. Now both her and my dad
are visiting us for Holidays. So it’s back in my face.
And
I feel like a bitch because I am one. Let me explain why:
- I never understood her sickness. Neither accepted it. I just don’t get it how someone cannot control anything in their brain. I know – logically – this is what happens. It’s just not possible (so far) for me to accept it.
- I have ‘evicted’ my mother from my life a long time ago. I don’t feel her as part of it at all. And that is just sad. And sick. And awful. And I hate myself for doing it. And I would do it again if I had the opportunity.
- I probably simply don’t love her. I don’t admire her. I don’t like her. I don’t understand her. I only remember bad stuff. And I have erased any good memories I might have had.
I’m
just a horrible (only) child and I keep wondering what she did wrong. All this
mainly for one (egoistic) reason: so that I don’t do the same with my kids and
become a non-existing person in their lives.
So
you can see why I still have a lot to learn about this situation. I wonder if I
will ever mange to do it. And I also wonder if God (or whatever we call that
thing that makes all this life messiness mean something somehow) will go all
the way with His lesson and, if I continue to not get it, will hit me in the
face with an un-controllable brain of my own.
