I was in a bad mood. For no apparent reason.
I have been pretty bored at work, as I am still new to my job and I need to complete some training to do any kind of useful work. So yes, I was bored, with nothing very interesting to read on the Internet any more. Or I just suffer from lack of imagination. Anyhow, no reason to be pissed. But I was.
Then next morning I finally understood why. Or the beginning of the 'why'. Because when I woke up I instantly started looking for excuses to not go to work. It was not supposed to be a boring day at work, as I had a training scheduled. But it was that training that put me in such bad mood.
The training was called "Maximizing your personal impact".
Why would a training like that depress me? Well, I am not sure I have all the 'why's, but I have got some of them. Last year I got interviewed by several people to get a promotion that would have reflected the job that I had been doing for more than two years. To put it that way: I had a job, been doing it for couple of years, then HR realized the job was at a higher level than I had on my contract and said I should go through a formal promotion process. Hey, I didn't like it, but it's France - and either the country or the company (or both) have their way of doing things that sometimes is surprising.
The feedback I got after the interviews was extremely annoying. It said that I need to work on my assertiveness (whatever the heck that is - just goes to show I don't have it), my "voice" (yeah, getting better and better), my personal impact (thus the idiot training), etc. Basically everybody thought I was a very nice lady, doing a good job - but too "nice", shy, whatever, to be promoted. Because no director (being a man, you see) would ever take me seriously. For a job I have already been doing. Well - or very well - according to my yearly reviews.
That pissed the hell out of me. Like you wouldn't believe it. I didn't care about the promotion - I had not asked for it, nor for the money or whatever. It was the principle of it.
And I finally nailed it 6 months later, the morning I realized I am being bitchy because this training was just a reminder that I am not good enough. FOR.A.JOB.I.HAVE.ALREADY.BEEN.DOING.VERY.WELL.
Is it a wonder I thought "what the f$%&?!"
I've been reading a lot of personal improvement books and so on lately. Bored at work, remember? All - or most of them - try to tell us we are good enough as we are and until we are happy with who and what we are, we will not be able to progress.
And my company/HR/colleagues (pick your favorite) keep telling me I am not good enough. Of course, it is my choice how I take this whole business - and let me tell you I did not take it well at the time. It's still a sore spot, even if I changed jobs since then. Human mind (or weird mind, seeing that I am talking about mine) sometimes works in mysterious ways :-) I hate not getting something even if I didn't really want it. I am happy I did not get this promotion, as it would have meant my career had to be in a place I do not wish it to be at this time in my life. But... I was already doing the job and they said I am not good enough for it.
I reserve my right to be bitchy. In general that is true, but even more when others judge me and label me as 'not good enough'. Does this mean I actually think I am good enough? If yes, good for me!
